You’re concerned about the future of your relationship
It feels like your partner hardly acknowledges you or your needs anymore
More often than not, it seems like you're falling asleep at night angry at your partner or unsatisfied with your relationship
Many couples seek counseling when problems in their relationship come up. They ask for help when they no longer feel connected to their partner. But, what does a lack of connection look like? Well, first of all, it may feel as if you no longer put each other first, that neither of you matters as much as you once did, that your needs are not being met. There may have been a specific incident or behavior that has caused hurt and pain. Or, things may have slowly changed over time. Maybe, you've had children or taken on new responsibilities at work and you’ve forgotten to make time for your relationship.
At the heart of relationship issues is often a break down in communication
Relationships suffer when communication becomes purely functional, or it is full of attacks, criticism, blame, and defensiveness. At this point, you don't listen to each other anymore. Conflicts erupt and there is no effective way to de-escalate. Your sexual and physical intimacy suffers. So, you end up feeling more distant and disengaged.
If left unchecked, these problems can develop into patterns that slowly chip away at the very foundations on which the relationship was built. Over time, the relationship becomes so weak that it's hard to repair. Then, you realize that the two of you have lost your way. The little and big things that provided connection are no longer there. Shared hopes and dreams have faded away.
I work with couples who want to end the impasse and reconnect and grow their relationship. In couples therapy, I’ll help you find new ways to communicate; learn how to use conflict in a productive, non-harmful way; heal past wounds; and increase fondness, admiration, and respect.
Issues in NEW RELATIONSHIPS
Maybe, you have met someone new and both of you worry about repeating mistakes from the past. This time you want things to be different. You want to make sure that your relationship is built on a solid foundation. So, when conflict occurs (and it always does), it is constructive, not destructive. Learning how to clearly express what you need and want from each other is key. When you have a complaint, how do you raise it in a way that is productive? Research shows that, when you have an issue that needs to be discussed, the first three minutes of the conversation will decide how the rest of the conversation goes. This will, in turn, decide how the relationship will go. In other words, how we raise our complaints is critical to the success of our relationships.
I work with new and long-term couples to help them become aware of past patterns that could derail or disrupt their relationship. We look at how and when complaints are raised. Then, we discuss why a partner might find it hard to listen. We also talk about how painful experiences from past relationships might trigger misunderstandings, and how different viewpoints influence perceptions.
AFFAIR Recovery
When a relationship is rocked by an affair, it requires special treatment. This is because affairs are almost always very traumatic. Navigating through the aftermath of an affair is a painful process for both partners. The road to recovery may be long and hard.
I have worked with numerous couples where an affair has taken place and the betrayal has almost ended the relationship. Through careful and sensitive discussion, we explore whether it’s possible to rebuild. If you're willing to try, I provide a framework that guides you through a process of repair and reflection. In couples therapy for affair recovery, we will work towards rebuilding trust and commitment. And, in time, create a new relationship between the two of you. If, on the other hand, you decide to separate, we will work on what that might look like and how you can separate in a way that minimizes distress.
SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS: Working with an lgtbq+ affirming counselor
Research shows that same-sex relationships experience many of the same difficulties that opposite-sex couples experience. But, interestingly, the research also shows that same-sex couples seem to exhibit greater strengths. These include humor and the ability to calm down during a fight.
In working with same-sex couples, I am aware of the challenges and stressors that are unique to gay and lesbian relationships. I use an evidence-based approach, which has been found to help same sex couples improve over twice as much as most couples. Contact me to learn more about LGBTQ+ affirming counseling.
MY APPROACH to couples therapy and relationship counseling
My approach to working with couples is based on over 30 years of research. This research shows why some relationships succeed and thrive, and why others fail. Known as the Gottman method, it is a direct, practical approach. It involves setting goals and using specific strategies, techniques, and exercises. But, it is also very flexible. I can tailor treatment to the strengths and challenges facing each individual couple.
It begins with a thorough assessment of the relationship. I first meet with couples for a 90-minute session where we discuss why you are seeking couples counseling. Then, we talk about your hopes and goals for your future. I’ll also want to know the history of the relationship from the very first time you met.
Then, in two subsequent sessions, I meet with each partner individually for about 60-minutes. This provides me with an opportunity to hear directly from you about your specific concerns. It will also let me learn more about your own family and relationship history.
After these initial sessions, I ask each partner to complete an online assessment developed by the Gottman Institute (Gottman Relationship Check-Up). This detailed tool allows me to see how the relationship is faring. It looks at numerous key areas that have been identified as critical to relationship success.
We then meet together for a feedback session where I summarize the assessment findings. I will outline areas of strength and weakness, and offer a roadmap for working together. I will make sure that we focus on those areas that need work while harnessing the existing strengths you have as a couple
Then, we meet weekly, usually for either 60 or 75 minutes. As you talk to each other about your relationship, my job will be to help you manage conflict constructively. I’ll help you to create a deeper friendship, improve intimacy, and explore shared meanings and dreams.
START Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling IN SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA
You can have a healthy relationship. It just takes some work. I can help you learn useful tools to reconnect with your partner and have the relationship you want.
To begin, follow these steps:
Contact me to set up a free 15 minute phone consultation
Meet with me for an initial assessment session where we can discuss your goals and plan a way forward
Begin couples therapy and start to improve your relationship
OTHER Therapy SERVICES OFFERED BY COLIN BAPTIE, PSY.D
Couples therapy isn’t the only service I provide. My therapy services include treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD, LGTBQ support and therapy, and grief counseling. I offer online therapy for people living in the state of California. You can learn more about therapy and relevant mental health topics by visiting my blog. Contact me to learn more about the many ways I can help you.